Bolt out of the blue

Well having announced to the family that yet again I failed to get pregnant, by sister comes up with an idea......she'll have a child for me.  She'll be a surrogate using Peter's sperm i.e. Peter and my sister to have children together and I raise them.

Not sure I can cope with that idea.  I am able to cep with the idea of adopting and the child not being genetically related to either of us, but my sister and my partner....too much for me to cope with right now.

:(

Well it's all over for me, got a negative pregnancy test - not that it was a surprise, but I really hoped that I'd be able to conceive again :(

Peter still isn;t sure about adoption, but we're not going to think about that at the moment, I need time to grieve and wallow in self pity for my inability to be able to perform what is supposed to be a most basic female function - produce a child!

Not looking good....

As a result of only having one egg that didn't look as good as it could have, I've had the egg put back today, fingers crossed this works, otherwise I'll never have a child of my own and I'll have to raise other peoples children instead.

Last egg collection

We had our egg collection today - very disappointing, we only got 1 egg, and it's not a brilliant one at that, so we really are at the end of the line, they are going to try and get it to fertilise........

NK treatment

As part of the treatment this time round to control or reduce the NK cells, I had an intralipid infusion through a drip today  Not very pleasant, but lets hope it does what it's supposed to and gets the positive result at the end of this cycle.

Last round of IVF

This will be our last round of IVF.  So I'm praying so hard that it'll work as this is my last chance to have a child that is genetically mine and Peter's......

Just for the record - I hate having to do these injections, I hope I never turn diabetic!

Options

As I have very little faith in the net round of IVF working, we have decided to start exploring the possibility of adoption as our route to having a family.

We went to an adoption open evening in St Albans to see what was involved and the timescales, it was very informative, and I was surprised at the number and age ranges of the people who were there.

I was disappointed in the timescale that they were talking about and it would be a very long time before we would be considered in a  'suitable position' to adopt as we have to wait 6 months after any significant event happens in our lives - therefore once Peter's divorce is completed we'd have to wait 6 months after that before we could start the adoption process, if we decided to move house after his divorce (which we desperately want to do) we'd have to wait 6 months after the move and if we wanted to get married as well, we'd have to wait 6 month after that before we could get started on the process.  So depending on if we decide to do any of those, and depending on the timescales of when we do them, and taking into account the average 18 month - 2 years timescales it takes to go through the adoption process, we could be looking at 3+ years before we'd be able to have a child placed with us :(

I don't think Peter is 100% sure that adoption if for him, there are many elements that have to be thought through, mainly from an emotional point of view, I guess he's still wanting a genetic child, and I can't blame him for that as it's not him that has the problem.  If he was with someone else then he'd probably be OK to have a family of his own rather than having to raise other peoples, it appears I don't have that capability so I all have to get my head around the fact that one way or another I will be raising someone else's child should I wish to fulfil my dream of having a family.

That for me is a bitter pill to swallow :(

yet more tests....

Had my mid cycle scan and all appeared to be clear, have to go for a saline scan - where they fill my uterus with saline to have a good look round...didn't sound that nice or comfortable, but they want to be absolutely sure that everything in there is OK.  And I was right - it was awful!  The Dr had huge difficulty in getting the catheter into my uterus and as a result the saline wouldn't go in and went everywhere, and he kept rooting around trying to get it in which hurt like hell... I was in agony, I was crying it hurt that much, but he did eventually get it in and have a look around, and everything was fine (thank God).

So now we should be good to go on our last ever IVF cycle.  Though I think we may have to wait a little while before we do.

Another appointment

Went to see Dr Shehata today after another disappointing round of fertility treatment.

Decided to give it one last chance with IVF, but this time to use all available known interventions to try and overcome the Natural Killer (NK) cell problem, so have been scheduled to have a mid cycle scan done in July to double check my uterus to ensure that everything looks as it should do, and that there has been no damage done to the internal workings as a result of IVF and the 2 miscarriages.

no surprise

Well as expected, the IUI didn't work :(

Don't think I can carry on going through this rollacoaster ride of emotions let alone the injections as they hurt like hell!

Just want to have a family, why is that so damn difficult??????

IUI cycle

Well I've started my Gonal-F injections again on an IUI cycle in the hope that we might have some chance under the expert eye of Dr Shehata who is supposed to be a leading figure in the world of miscarriage and unexplained infertility.

Not holding out much hope, but you never know, after all I've managed one pregnancy through IUI nad one through IVF so far, so he may be able to help.

results are in

Well the blood results are in - not good at all, apparently the Natural killer cells that everyone has in their bodies that assist in the fight agains infection, for me are being over sensitive and over their quota - to the point that they are destroying any chance I have of being able to conceive a child - the levels expected are less than 0.8 [10^6/l], yet my levels are 2.21 which is way off the scale!

No wonder I couldn't conceive or hold a pregnancy, but we've been told not to give up hope, that there are ways around this, and in the first instance it has been suggested that we try IUI so that Dr Shehata can see how my body reacts, and it's less invasive so (in theory) less stress, which will also be a good thing.

We've agreed to go for IUI on my next cycle....

Try a different approach

Had an appointment with someone who is supposed to be the head of the game - Dr Shehata, who specialises in re-occurant miscarriage and IVF failure.  Have to have some blood tests done to see if there is any underlying problem with my immune system, then based upon those results, can put a plan of action into effect for another round of either IUI or IVF, whichever we choose, and see what happens.

ended

Well that's egg collection done - 2 eggs retrieved.  #1 - immature so not able to be used, and #2 had chromosomal abnormalities so that wasn't able to be used either.

That was round 3 of 3, no more money = no more chances.

The end of the road for me!

round 3

well we've started round 3.  not a good start, after doing stims for 4 days, I've only got 1 egg :( 

Not sure what to expect now.  was hoping for a better cycle this time as we're off all alcohol, on pre-preg vitamins, doing acupuncture, altered diet in accordance with recommendations, increased exercise, and yet this time round it's the worst cycle I've ever had :(

Not holding out much hope for this cycle now.  Don't know what's next if this doesn't work :(